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what it feels like to be made of envy

i wrote 3 poems today. they were bad, and damn near unintelligible, but i posted it anyway. why? for attention, maybe. or a misguided cry to the outside world--a cry for someone to come and make me feel okay again. make me feel like me again. and i guess, that's the root of the problem, isn't it? i don't feel like me. haven't felt like me in quite a while. i'm a kind person. an easygoing person. a forgiving person. someone who brushes off things that don't matter. someone who only lets herself dwell on insecurities for so long. not someone easily offended, not someone who's tired all the time--someone who feels the need to just... be useful . stop being a burden. - well, that last part's not true. i am that person. the one who always feels like a burden, so tries twice as hard to be needed. but the thing is, i thought i was getting better. i thought... i thought finally i'm my own person. or... becoming one anyway. one pers
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a year's worth of wishes.

it's funny how much can change in a year. a year ago, i counted down the minutes to 12am, so i could give you my wishes the second july 16th hits. a year ago, i thought the world of you, and my eyes turned to stars every time i thought about you. a year ago, i couldn't imagine not loving you. i couldn't imagine ever forgetting your special day, couldn't imagine ever forgetting about you or what you're doing. a year ago, i loved you. so much that it hurt. not that i don't love you now. i think there's a part of me that will always love you. no matter what you've done, who you're with, where you are. that part of me will love you, and keep on loving you, the way a schoolgirl loves a beloved fantasy. but now, it's been a year. i still wish you happiness. health. success. i wish that you'll find someone who loves you for you , not because of what they can do for you. i wish that you'll have people in your life, people you can count
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For You

It is not an easy thing, flying Especially for a bird with a broken wing It is not an easy thing, jumping Especially for one who is afraid of falling It is not an easy thing, walking Especially for a fish, that could only keep swimming You, yes you I know it is not an easy thing, to remain smiling when all you want is to start yelling But just know, those who keep trying who sees a storm and keeps fighting could withstand anything And you, yes you I think you've made it this far, and you're still standing That is a damn good thing, No? N.M.
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Midnight Thoughts

I thought the first post on this blog should be something happy. A story, or a poem, or a retelling of a beautiful day. As it turns out, I only get the urge to write when something's bothering me. Lately, I feel very... affected by the moods of those around me. When they're happy, I'm exuberant. When they're bored, I lose interest in whatever I'm doing. When they're tired, exhaustion hits me like a truck. When they're stressed, I'm fraying at the edges. It seems like all my friends and acquaintances are just not in a good mood these days. Everyone's falling apart, be it because of midterms, or assignments, or just life in general. It unsettles me, makes me feel restless, like I'm too big for my own skin. I feel like I want to cry and laugh, yell and sleep, do everything and nothing at the same time. Maybe it'll get better. Eventually. Maybe it'll get worse. I don't know.
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